Go Go (see) Power Rangers

I, for one, really liked the new look

Power Rangers began as it ended, with the feeling that something masturbatory had just happened. I liked it, but right off the bat I want to say this isn’t, and shouldn’t have been, a good movie. It would be impossible to make a Power Rangers movie that was good and true to its inherently “bad” origins, because so much of what was bad about the tv show made it charming. It’s a bad movie and a hell of a lot of fun, definitely recommend. Also go pay theaters for this to show movie companies that this is how you make an 80s’ cartoon movie.

If you liked the old show, goofy-ness and all, and/or liked the Breakfast Club, then you are good to go.

Plot:

The plot of Power Rangers… where to begin? 5 misfit teenagers find magic coins,  a spaceship, and a robot that says they are the power rangers and must protect the magic life giving crystal in the planet. Rita Repulsa is the bad guy, she controls gold, and she starts off a little freakier than a ‘kids’ movie probably should include. There was a child in the front of the theater who was loudly exclaiming things as they happened “Power Wangers!” “It’s a Spaceship!?” It was adorable, he shut up after she ripped out a hobo’s gold teeth (yes teeth). Something something power of friendship, something something dino robots, something something gold.

Something Something Gold

That’s your movie. The rest is basically the Breakfast Club, which I guess the director was a huge fan of (?). To be fair a lot of people are, myself included.

Cast:

“5 teenagers, 5 different coloured coins, 5 different coloured teenagers.” – actual line in the movie

Jock Man Red Ranger: the leader of the bunch (which I just now realised is a banana pun, damn). He is a high school star football player who breaks/hurts his knee in a car accident escaping the police after sneaking a cow into a locker room that his friend jacked off. That’s a spoiler for the first 5 minutes of the movie by the way, and they are super explicit that he jacked off a cow – it’s the first or second line in the whole damn movie. He is also the white guy, cause while they could mess with the other characters the leader had to be an all-American white boy.

Austistic Blue Ranger: The black guy, also the brains of the bunch, also autistic which takes form exclusively as him not getting certain jokes or subtext. He is an extremely high functioning autistic, and if portrayal of autism was for some reason a draw for you then you should just go watch the Accountant. He also really likes explosives, and has access to uncomfortable amounts of them. He also is the one who find the coins originally by blowing up a rock wall while standing 2 meters from it. he is a bit of an idiot. I don’t even mean that in a derogatory way, dude just isn’t that bright and it doesn’t have anything to do with his awareness/condition.

Pink Ranger: Cheerleader type, likes to cliff dive in her spare time, black hair not blond… that’s all I got really. I think she is pretty.

Non-asian Yellow Ranger: She is Latina, I feel like if they had race swapped Red Ranger people would have been upset, but swapping an already ethnic character is apperantly okay. Oh also she is heavily implied to be gay, so that’s a thing. Oh and she is a bitch, like aggressively anti-social, and not in a “I’m awkward” kind of way, a “Fuck off all you people trying to be my friend” sort of way. She also likes doing yoga (?) on mountain tops while listening to hardcore music.

Asian Black Ranger: Another race swap no one minded. He is a troubled youth, who loves his mother, skips school all the time, and is impulsive as fuck. Dude steals a Zord first chance he gets, and is just generally crazy.

Zordon: Giant head in a wall, ex red ranger, now just generally is disappointed dad figure to misfit gang of troubled teens. Could he have his own motivations? He does, but he drops them real quick though in a really fucked up sequence I will go through in the spoiler section.

Alpha: heh, funny robot

Rita Repulsa: ex green ranger, instead wants to take life crystal to rule the galaxy (somehow), semi killed (mummified technically) previously then came back. She can control gold for reasons that are entirely unexplained (the other rangers don’t have powers). She may also be a witch, diversity hire maybe?

Zords: Giant. Dinosaur. Mechs.

This CGI’d to awesomeness

Basically I think it’s a great movie, a ton of fun. My only real complaint is that they didn’t do some of the green screen sequences well, as in the actors were kind of shit at pretending they knew what was happening to them, sometimes. Overall it’s worth a watch, but oh god do I have so much to rant about. Oh and a bonus for fans; the original Red and Pink Rangers are in the crowd at one point, and there is an after credits scene.

But Here’s The Thing (spoilers abound):

     In retrospect maybe her ability to manipulate rocks/gold would have been better suited to the whole ‘digging’ thing, instead of giant goldman

Okay where to begin with this majestic clusterfuck? I just really want to list out all the fucked up things I could think of about this movie (this is my favourite part of ‘reviewing’).

In no particular order:

• Why is yellow ranger such a bitch?
• Why can Rita control gold while no other rangers have powers?
• Did the meteor that Zordon called down cause the extinction of the dinosaurs?
• Why did they not use the Zords in the past?
• What happened to Rita’s life sucking power? Shouldn’t she only get that post crystal?
• At the camp fire Yellow, Black, and Blue share their deepest secrets, Red and Pink pass and everyone is fine with that.
• They Tokyo Drift a mini-van.
• How did they get home after the car got smashed?
• Does his mom not care that the car got smashed?
• They each destroy things in their house without their parents noticing.
• Blue Ranger clearly recognizes that if he dies his mom will be alone, and then decides peer pressure is worth it.
• If you describe the movie without superpowers or the Breakfast Club, it is super cultish.
• Alpha saved Zordons brain before he died, but not the other 4 rangers who died with him.
• The black guy dies, by drowning no less, after previously holding his breath for like 5 minutes earlier in the movie.
• The resurrection.

  And the lord said “taketh thine angel suits, and mounteth thine badass robodinos. Go forth, driveth greed from’st thy land” and it was so.

Okay I want to take a break here to discuss the resurrection because of the fucked up theological implications. Zordon can come back to life when the morphing gate opens (for the first time only apparently), I get that; energy surge + digital construction technology + saved consciousness = new body for said consciousness. When the gate opens for the first time (with only 4 of them no less for some reason, guess being dead really helps your mental connection with your friends) he passes on that option, and instead brings Blue back to life. Holy Shit. He just brought someone back from the fucking afterlife, that is totally different than what he wanted to do originally. Think of the theological implications, that morphing gate links to the fucking afterlife, Zordon is both in the wall and in the afterlife. Are the Power Rangers angels? EDIT: Wait did they die in that car crash, holy shit they are angels! Like fuck… okay back to the list:

• Morphing grid helper stands only has 5 spots, no wonder Rita revolted
• Alpha is more powerful than the rangers
• Zords are modelled after the most powerful creatures from when they were made, so why are they all different?
• The first 20 minutes of this movie is just Breakfast Club.
• The last battle scene didn’t have any flailing of tiny t-rex arms.
• Post resurrection Zordon states he wouldn’t come back because there should only be one Red Ranger… if Red Ranger had died instead of blue would Zordon have come back instead? Did he pass up on resurrection because he didn’t like the color blue? Did he want the T-Rex?
• Go Go Power Rangers scene was awesome.
• Rita’s last speech goes “Others will come for the crystal!” No they fucking won’t, it’s been sitting there for 65 million years without a single person looking for it.
• Can any geologists tell me the likelihood of a coastal town having a gold mine? Also just the doubling down of a gold mine and a harbour means this town should be a lot bigger than it is.
• MegaZord is badass, but if you are gonna give people each limb then stop giving individuals credit for fight moves, team effort.

And finally, the goddamn movie ‘martial arts movie-d’ us. They learned a technique right at the beginning, practice it a few times, then never do it again until they use it to beat the big bad. They use a giant robot to suplex a giant gold monster.

 

Bring Me The Chair!